End Goals

Three months ago, I had the honor of getting to watch my brother-in-law graduate from high school. My in-laws have molded and taught him, shepherded him and sacrificed for him, and now, as he heads off to college, they can do so knowing that--while they may wish they had more time--they have prepared him well.

As he walked across the stage to receive his diploma, I thought nine years ahead to my own son, eight if he keeps going at the rate he's attempting these days (but don't worry, I can intentionally fail him in a few classes to keep him home longer--joys of homeschooling). And suddenly I got the blessing of a bird's eye view of what's coming next, like I was using binoculars to view the finish line.

Photo cred to other amazing brother-in-law

It's so easy to get for all of us to get bogged down by the day to day. To make the next easy choice because we're tired or distracted or overwhelmed by other things. We've all been there. We all get that. But the truth is that in our relationships (whether that be with God, our spouse, our children, or our friends... or even ourselves), we have to keep the long term goals in mind. In an argument between spouses, perhaps the question shouldn't be who is right or what is fair but whether or not we want our marriages to succeed. In our friendship with the neighbor next door, perhaps we need to worry less about being inconvenienced and more about how we can be community. In our parenting, perhaps we need to focus our energies not on perfect behavior but rather on modeling for them the heart attitudes that we hope to see in them as adults.

I think often the problem is that I want my days to be easy. I want school to finish up quickly. I want my kids to behave appropriately. I want my neighbor to like me, my husband and I never to fight, my mother to still think I'm the apple of her eye (except she ruins it by persistently not playing favorites--thanks for nothing, Mom). And none of those things are bad. But they don't keep the end goals in sight.

To put it another way, if I want to be a fast runner, I don't just run sprints. I run distance as well. I do tempo runs, I do intervals, I do yoga, I stretch. I take days off to rest. I take weeks off when I'm injured. And I get up on the mornings that I have to and get those runs in even when I don't want to. Because I have a long term end goal in sight. My goals change my actions but most importantly, they change my attitude.

Still, sometimes we forget what this looks like for our relationships. We begin to trick ourselves into thinking that self care is all bubble baths and eating chocolate, and forget that it is the hard work of putting ourselves to bed on time and prioritizing healthy eating and making space for the things that help us to breathe. We think that if our marriage is happy, we no longer have to put the time in to grow and learn together. We change diapers and run through spelling lists and throw food towards the gaping mouths of our hungry children without keeping at the forefront of our mind that these are not just future adults but also eternal souls.

May I just ask you to pause for a few minutes and look at your relationships and ask yourselves: what is the end goal?

The relationships that define your life matter.  So fight for your marriage. Prioritize your children. Make time for your friendships. Remind yourself over and over again what matters and why you are doing what you are doing (and if what you're doing isn't helping you meet those relational goals, change what you're doing). When you catch yourself just going through the motions (or slacking off completely), stop yourself and remember that you have a purpose--not just for yourself but for your relationships.

You want to not just celebrate that anniversary, but do so knowing that you love your spouse more in that moment than you did when you married them, and vice versa. You want to not just watch your child graduate and achieve big things, but to do so knowing that he or she is someone you can trust and be proud of. You don't want to just small talk across the fence with your neighbor, neatly avoiding stepping on each other's toes, but be true community for each other.

You want to not just get a spiritual check mark, eternal fire insurance, or moral superiority--you want to know God intimately, if such a thing is even possible. You don't want to just skate through each day, surviving by doing the bare minimum. Remember who you are. Remember what your end goal is. And work towards it so that one day you can walk away knowing that, no matter what happened, you gave your best. Not because you had to, but because you wanted to.