This morning as Reveille played insistently from outside my window, I sat up in bed and cheerily greeted my sons and the new day.
And that pretty much used up the sum total of my natural ability to be nice today. I had to work really hard at it after that. It wasn't pretty.
You know those days when you stress-eat your weight in dessert or when you play hide and seek with the kids and instead of seeking go and lie down for a nap or when you take extended bathroom breaks just so you can have a moment by yourself? Yeah... I'm not saying I did any of those things. I'm just saying I thought about them longingly.
However, I did learn a few nuggets of wisdom through today's survival exercises. Allow me to share:
- Upon finding that both your pairs of maternity shorts are in the wash, don't idiotically assume you can just wear a pair of regular shorts by using the hair tie through the button hole trick. You are twenty four weeks pregnant with twins: maternity bottoms are not optional. If you persist in your idiocy you will spend all day trying to re-zipper your shorts as the Little Girl Twin desperately tries to shove them off of her.
- When you go to take a quick shower in an attempt to get yourself in a better mood, put the markers out of reach of the one year old. We know you're blonde and pregnant, but...really?
- When you make an excellent meal for yourself and the in-utero twins and then graciously allow your other two ingrates to partake and they respond with a whiney "I don't like dinner", resist the urge to release a primordial scream while upending the rest of the meal over their heads, and instead choose to lovingly teach them how to say, "This meal isn't my favourite, Mommy," before mentally labelling them "uncultured philistines" and resolving to thoroughly enjoy some solitary seconds the moment you get them to bed.
- Don't waste your time reading The Little House Books while you wait for your children to fall asleep at nap time. You will only end up feeling desperately guilty for not living up to Ma Ingalls' standards.
- Similarly, avoid exposing yourself to other moms who give even the appearance of having it together. Though normally you will be encouraged and challenged by how well they are doing, today you will irrationally hate them and want to do mean things to them. Remind yourself that you are not in your right mind and go eat some chocolate.
- Try for a little fresh air. It may not get you out of your funk but it might make it a more functioning funk.
- Do not, I repeat, do not read or watch anything that might in any way reference military kids being separated from their parents or moving away from their friends. You will cry so hard that the Little Boy Twin will literally try to rip his way out of your belly just to get away from all the excess estrogen. That will not feel good.
- If you're already having massive issues with heartburn, don't try to convince yourself that your normal mug of morning coffee is still a good idea.
And (last one and a drum roll, please, because I refuse to learn anything else from today):
- If nothing actually bad happens and you just feel grumpy and grouchy, it's not actually a bad day. It's just a day like any other where you get to choose whether you go hide in bed or at least try to make the best of it.
I tried. I'm not saying I succeeded, but I tried. And hopefully neither of the boys will be scarred for life from what I put them through today. Hopefully... And if they are, we've lived next door to a shrink for the last two years so at least I'll know where to send them.